It's hard to believe that someone I've been so committed too with so much for so long would be so cruel.
But sadly it's the nature of relationships, even when seemingly they end ammicably.
I met Joyce through a mutual friend whom she was supporting him as a Make-Up artist in his show last December.
I pursued her for a date, which took over a month to secure and upon doing so, let her enter my world, of eating at chef's tables, trips to Amsterdam for Valentines, invitations to the Highlands at a stately home, the most romantic dates in London, my birthday adventures and a whole plethora of experiences that money simply couldn't buy.
Which is fortunate, as, as you know, money is not my forte.
Her looks belay her 53 years on the planet but sadly so does her maturity too.
We parted company just over nine days ago. She did this at a stage in my life where I'd reached out to her for help. She knew I was struggling to the point of being almost suicidal, her response was one of repulsion, that I couldn't handle the stresses of having no money, struggling with my ME/CFS, being Homeless, having my project Displaced pushed back, not hearing from my 19 year old son and our own crumbling relationship.
She was seemingly more concerned about how things looked to others than what it meant to each of us.
This whole situation was huge for me, as when we started seeing each other she was keen to know if this was a long-term thing leading to marriage. I'd spent 30 years avoiding such relationships and the notion of monagomy was always such a problem for me. (Read my interview in Advantages of Age here for the full picture https://advantagesofage.com/work/people/4172-2/) but I genuinely thought we could see our final years out together and fully committed to working towards a married relationship.
My homelessness became an issue for her. Even though she had her own home, and suffered the experience of not having somewhere to live herself, unbelievably she didn't once offer a night indoors.
We shared personal time in friends holiday homes or hotels.
So in our four months of dating, her getting me to say I loved her, I had never once visited her home.
I've never met anyone ele who has had experience of Homelessness not to relate to the condition. It could be because it was so far in her past that she forgot how important it was for the odd night inside to survive, but she said even after four months, knowing everything about me and saying she wanted me to conisder marrying her, she didn't feel comfortable inviting me home.
Our relationship ended without even a break-up kiss, let alone break-up sex. The problem seemingly bolied down to a few moments of miscommunication. She declined to spare five minutes to book a hotel room, which resulted in me not getting inside, that then turned into days of her silence. A poem that refelcted my feelings in an instance that she took to relflect our relationship as a whole
She was averse to publishing anything online about our relationship, even though she's happy to share her personal feelings, visits with family or going out. Without this blog, there would in fact be no record of our time togehter whatsoever online.
It's horrific for me, because she lured me into a world where I actually believed in marraige and a life-time relationship was possible. Something anybody who knows you will tell you is something I've managed to keep at bay for the past twenty years.
Our last meeting in the Reunion Bar at Victoria Station, was a result of her ignoring all attempts from me to communicate. Requests to answers of why we'd split-up were met with silence, whether she wanted to hear from me again. She'd asked that I fight for our relationship, something I'd lattelry agreed to do (against it must be said, my better judgement). The thing abut our relationship was that we were always looking for it to be balanced. Two people working to the betterment of each other, not one looking after the other.
It was an amazing relationship built on honesty and communication. Until the proverbial hit the fan when it was apparent that what Joyce was actually wanting was exactly the opposite of what she said she wanted. Something very strange happened bewteen seeing each other, that caused her to create amazing pain and discomfort for me.
Open honesty was replaced with secrecy. care and emotion wsa replaced with her being obtuse and antagonistic.
I have no idea if this break-up is causing her any discomfort whatsoever. She closed me out.
My life has been placed in complete meltdown and all because we couldn't sustain our communications, which was never explained.
It was the worst thing I've endured. I invested everything into this relationship, money, time, emotion and commitment, in a way I've never done before. The fact she was unable to express her feelings makes the situation even worse, because she felt cold, I felt duped and cheated.
I'm back at Heathrow and haven't slept in 24 hours Her insistence on ignoring communications without explanantion was the most evil thing anyone has ever done to me. Modern ghosting. The fact that we got to sit down, demonstrated that she was looking for the negative in everything. Made more annoying about the suprfiiciality of the guise of her forever being positive.
The entire situation could have been resolved if she'd done a few little things and hadn't misinterpreted my actions. It was thrown in with some bad timing and bad luck (messages got lost and voicemails not heard), but fundamentally, it was one five minute hotel transaction that derailed us - and that's ridiculous.
I'm gutted and dissapointed and would love to get another bite of the cherry to putting things right - but without communication nothing can be done.
She needs to me to "Man-Up" as she put it, but ironically, it's her insistence to not support at present that's created my biggest obstacle to do that.
Whislt this may sound angry and bitter, it isn't. I'm disappointed and lost and unsure what to do next.
Next move is mine now I guess.... I'm hoping the book Crippled (written by the Guardian Journalist Dr. Francis Ryan and in which I am a case-study https://www.waterstones.com/book/crippled/frances-ryan/9781786637888) which comes out next week, will open the door to me getting some accomodation. And maybe then we can look at rebuilding....
But if she'd simply been honest about what she wanted and how to accomplish it, I thnk we could be both together and extremely happy.
But sadly it's the nature of relationships, even when seemingly they end ammicably.
I met Joyce through a mutual friend whom she was supporting him as a Make-Up artist in his show last December.
I pursued her for a date, which took over a month to secure and upon doing so, let her enter my world, of eating at chef's tables, trips to Amsterdam for Valentines, invitations to the Highlands at a stately home, the most romantic dates in London, my birthday adventures and a whole plethora of experiences that money simply couldn't buy.
Which is fortunate, as, as you know, money is not my forte.
Her looks belay her 53 years on the planet but sadly so does her maturity too.
We parted company just over nine days ago. She did this at a stage in my life where I'd reached out to her for help. She knew I was struggling to the point of being almost suicidal, her response was one of repulsion, that I couldn't handle the stresses of having no money, struggling with my ME/CFS, being Homeless, having my project Displaced pushed back, not hearing from my 19 year old son and our own crumbling relationship.
She was seemingly more concerned about how things looked to others than what it meant to each of us.
This whole situation was huge for me, as when we started seeing each other she was keen to know if this was a long-term thing leading to marriage. I'd spent 30 years avoiding such relationships and the notion of monagomy was always such a problem for me. (Read my interview in Advantages of Age here for the full picture https://advantagesofage.com/work/people/4172-2/) but I genuinely thought we could see our final years out together and fully committed to working towards a married relationship.
My homelessness became an issue for her. Even though she had her own home, and suffered the experience of not having somewhere to live herself, unbelievably she didn't once offer a night indoors.
We shared personal time in friends holiday homes or hotels.
So in our four months of dating, her getting me to say I loved her, I had never once visited her home.
I've never met anyone ele who has had experience of Homelessness not to relate to the condition. It could be because it was so far in her past that she forgot how important it was for the odd night inside to survive, but she said even after four months, knowing everything about me and saying she wanted me to conisder marrying her, she didn't feel comfortable inviting me home.
Our relationship ended without even a break-up kiss, let alone break-up sex. The problem seemingly bolied down to a few moments of miscommunication. She declined to spare five minutes to book a hotel room, which resulted in me not getting inside, that then turned into days of her silence. A poem that refelcted my feelings in an instance that she took to relflect our relationship as a whole
She was averse to publishing anything online about our relationship, even though she's happy to share her personal feelings, visits with family or going out. Without this blog, there would in fact be no record of our time togehter whatsoever online.
It's horrific for me, because she lured me into a world where I actually believed in marraige and a life-time relationship was possible. Something anybody who knows you will tell you is something I've managed to keep at bay for the past twenty years.
Our last meeting in the Reunion Bar at Victoria Station, was a result of her ignoring all attempts from me to communicate. Requests to answers of why we'd split-up were met with silence, whether she wanted to hear from me again. She'd asked that I fight for our relationship, something I'd lattelry agreed to do (against it must be said, my better judgement). The thing abut our relationship was that we were always looking for it to be balanced. Two people working to the betterment of each other, not one looking after the other.
It was an amazing relationship built on honesty and communication. Until the proverbial hit the fan when it was apparent that what Joyce was actually wanting was exactly the opposite of what she said she wanted. Something very strange happened bewteen seeing each other, that caused her to create amazing pain and discomfort for me.
Open honesty was replaced with secrecy. care and emotion wsa replaced with her being obtuse and antagonistic.
I have no idea if this break-up is causing her any discomfort whatsoever. She closed me out.
My life has been placed in complete meltdown and all because we couldn't sustain our communications, which was never explained.
It was the worst thing I've endured. I invested everything into this relationship, money, time, emotion and commitment, in a way I've never done before. The fact she was unable to express her feelings makes the situation even worse, because she felt cold, I felt duped and cheated.
I'm back at Heathrow and haven't slept in 24 hours Her insistence on ignoring communications without explanantion was the most evil thing anyone has ever done to me. Modern ghosting. The fact that we got to sit down, demonstrated that she was looking for the negative in everything. Made more annoying about the suprfiiciality of the guise of her forever being positive.
The entire situation could have been resolved if she'd done a few little things and hadn't misinterpreted my actions. It was thrown in with some bad timing and bad luck (messages got lost and voicemails not heard), but fundamentally, it was one five minute hotel transaction that derailed us - and that's ridiculous.
I'm gutted and dissapointed and would love to get another bite of the cherry to putting things right - but without communication nothing can be done.
She needs to me to "Man-Up" as she put it, but ironically, it's her insistence to not support at present that's created my biggest obstacle to do that.
Whislt this may sound angry and bitter, it isn't. I'm disappointed and lost and unsure what to do next.
Next move is mine now I guess.... I'm hoping the book Crippled (written by the Guardian Journalist Dr. Francis Ryan and in which I am a case-study https://www.waterstones.com/book/crippled/frances-ryan/9781786637888) which comes out next week, will open the door to me getting some accomodation. And maybe then we can look at rebuilding....
But if she'd simply been honest about what she wanted and how to accomplish it, I thnk we could be both together and extremely happy.
2 comments:
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